Change.

Source

Last night, Shawn gave me the gift of two glorious hours alone. Most of it involved driving, but I didn't care. I left my two favorite guys with a kiss and a full bottle and hopped in my car, turned up the radio, and headed off to a couple errands that could've easily waited - but I desperately needed to get out of the house. I have no doubt you moms understand.

On my way, I passed a local coffee shop. Sitting right next to the window was a girl, probably in her early twenties, hunched over a cup of coffee and her laptop. She was probably putting finishing touches on a paper for a college class. (Or maybe she was on Pinterest or Facebook... I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt.) :)

For a fleeting moment as I saw her sitting there, I felt a pang of longing for what she had. Alone time. Quiet. Less responsibility, perhaps. I missed being that girl in Chicago, trudging down a snowy sidewalk to Argo Tea to spend a few hours studying, writing papers, reading, and probably texting Shawn and inviting him to join me. Looking back, it all feels so much more carefree than the season I'm in now. And probably, this having-one-child season will seem much more carefree in the future when we may have more.

If anyone saw me staring at her through the window, they probably wouldn't have guessed I had a one month old baby at home, and I feel a little naked when I'm more than 5 feet from him at any given time. They probably wouldn't have detected the crusted spit up on my shirt or in my hair. And maybe they wouldn't have noticed the bags under my eyes that are so telling of how much sleep I'm actually getting. Little would they know.

But they also wouldn't have understood how my heart lights up when I see that little boy smile, or how the nights that just the two of us are awake - I wouldn't trade them for anything. That the simple fact that he needs me - for comfort, for nourishment, for growth - is the greatest privilege in the world. That we have conversations about Jesus and about His saving work on the cross, because I truly believe that His word does not return void and my son will someday understand. That this little boy of mine is the best thing I've ever had a hand in creating.

I'm slowly beginning to process this beautiful change my life has taken over the past few years. It wasn't so long ago that I was that girl at the coffee shop. And somehow, in what seems like the blink of an eye, I'm a mom.

Christmas is going to look very different for us this year. We'll probably wake up to a crying baby, but it's ok. In fact, it's more than ok. Having this healthy, smiling little wonder under our roof is changing our world for the better. I am so, so thankful to be his mom.