On the morning of graduation, I spent some time in 2 Chronicles 20. If you're not familiar with the story, let me fill you in on the high points.

The king of Judah at this time is Jehoshaphat. King Jehoshaphat is given word that his country is about to be attacked by a vast invading army that will surely overpower them - and the army is already headed their way.

His response in this moment?
"Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the Lord, and he proclaimed a fast for all of Judah." The entire land - men, women, and children - came from all over the country to seek the Lord's help in this very dire situation.

Jehoshaphat's trust in the Lord is astounding to me. He stands boldly before his people and declares who his God is: that he rules over kingdoms, that he is powerful. Then Jehoshaphat declares that no matter what happens - calamity, judgment, plague, famine - that "we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us."

The Lord saw this incredible faith and sent his Spirit through one of the Levites, who declared to the people, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army."
Umm... what was that, Lord? We're about to DIE over here, in case you hadn't heard. (That clearly wasn't their response - but it would've been mine.)

But then this... "For the battle is not yours, but God's." 
God commands Judah's army to march down to where the battle is being waged, but they won't even have to pick up their swords. This isn't their battle, after all. It's God's - and he has already taken care of it. Their job is just to stand, to not be afraid, and the Lord will be with them.

So they are obedient and march out to the battlefield, and I love this scene. The people of Judah begin to sing and praise along the way, and as they do, God sends ambushes against these vast armies and they end up killing each other! Judah's army didn't even have to pick up their swords, just as promised. God had come through victoriously to do all the work and to save them. The people celebrated, carrying off massive amounts of valuable equipment and clothing - so much that it took 3 days to collect it all.

If that's not God.

So what does this have to do with your life thousands of years later? Thankfully, very few of us have to be on the front lines of any battle - so it may not seem like it applies much at all. But do you have mountains in front of you? Are there days that feel like a vast army is about to overtake you, if it's not for the Lord to intervene? I know I do. They come in the form of the silliest things sometimes... a mountain of work ahead of me, a relationship that's taking a lot of work, a seemingly impossible decision that has to be made. Most recently, it's been nursing school. There have been several times I have seriously wanted to give up. And there have definitely been times when my first reaction is not to seek the Lord in my weakness. Lots of times.

But in this story, I hear God speaking loud and clear that the battle is his, not ours to worry about. We're to be obedient, to stand firm, to trust him without fear or discouragement, and to watch him work. And then we get to celebrate when he has been victorious.

And oh, how I have watched him be victorious over this past 16 months of nursing school. Sure, I've been diligent. Jehosphaphat was diligent and trusted. But I have done nothing in comparison to how he has worked.

I have stood with shaking knees next to the beds of the dying and watched him give them hope.
I have woken up with a terrible attitude at 4am to head to clinicals in the pitch black early morning and felt him transform my heart to one of gratitude.
I have felt so overwhelmed as I watched that pregnancy test turn to a very clear positive, not knowing exactly how I was supposed to spend my last and most difficult semester in nursing school while being in my first trimester. And he has proven himself even in that, giving me joy and love for this baby and keeping me from nausea in the most critical times.
I have just simply shown up and said, "Ok, God. You've called me to this, so I know you're going to get me through." And he has. He's done it all.
And on Saturday, when I walked across that stage and received my diploma, I echoed Jehoshaphat's cries of worship in my heart to this good, good God who has done so much more than I ever deserved. He has been victorious in the battle, and I have been the undeserving but oh-so-grateful recipient of the plunder.

I serve the same God who moves mountains, who renders vast armies to nothing, who spoils his children with lavish gifts that we so do not deserve. All because he is good. All because he loves us.

Being pinned by my sweet friend Cherry, an RN who has so inspired me over the years, and traveled from Texas to be here!

Words of wisdom

Growing Little E got to graduate, too. 

Women I love who are my biggest cheerleaders: Mom, Cherry, Grandma

Mama & Papa Newby came too - and somehow this is the only photo of them I ended up with. But I love it.

And this guy... this amazing guy. His support has carried me so much further than I could've gone alone.

Special thank you's go to:

Mama & Papa Newby, who drove in from Atlanta for the weekend to be here;

Mom who hosted two big gluten-free meals and many guests and Dad who woke up at an ungodly hour to fly standby and make it to graduation;

Grandma, who drove by herself from Ohio to be here;

My aunt Ginny who helped with my Grandpa all weekend so Grandma could be here;

Cherry, who flew in from Texas for the weekend;

Shawn, who "thank you" isn't enough. He's done so much.

I love you guys so much!

Belmont.

Someone recently told me, "Don't choose a school based on how much it costs."
In my recent education in nursing school, I'd have to wholeheartedly agree.

I am graduating next week from Belmont University - definitely not the cheapest route to a nursing degree. Not by a long shot.

But I have been so, so impressed with this 16-month accelerated BSN program that I can't help but talk about it! (I've gotten several emails about those of you interested in nursing school, so maybe this will help someone.) Not only are the faculty excellent in their field, but they encourage us, pray with us and for us, and have an open door policy to come talk with them about just about anything. I've taken advantage of that quite a bit this past semester as the initial shock of my pregnancy drove me to their offices with so many questions about finishing the semester and applying for jobs. They handled it all with grace, compassion, wisdom, and prayer. So wonderful. Being at a Christian school, too, made a huge difference for me. In a field that's about helping and compassion, it would be hard to picture studying under people who don't know Jesus. What is their motivation for being apart of this very tiring, very sacrificial profession? Sure, it's rewarding. But not always.

The facilities are stunning... the most medical mannequins of anywhere in Tennessee (which are quite scary but very helpful - ha!) and the highest pass rate for the NCLEX of anywhere in the state. But the reputation of Belmont in the community is probably the most impressive part. Whenever we would go to clinicals and they'd see the patch on our sleeve delineating our school, nurses, doctors, everyone would say, "Oh, wow. You go to Belmont..." with so much respect. It felt a little crazy, and at times, I wanted to reply, "Yes, but I just started! I have no idea what I'm doing!" :) But it has surely played into the job hunt... I got a job exactly one week after applying to a hospital, and felt that as soon as I walked in the door, they already had an offer on the table because of my background at Belmont. It's just that respected.

I know I sound like a Belmont commercial right now, but I'm just so thankful for my experience there - no matter what it has cost (financially, emotionally, time-wise) - and I know it has prepared me as fully as I can be prepared for this next season as a new nurse.

So I'd have to give the same advice... don't choose a school based on how much it costs. If it's supposed to happen, God will provide. Maybe through financial aid, scholarships, etc. Maybe not. But when I think about my other options - which included a community college that would have been nearly free (though a lesser degree) - I am so thankful that Shawn and I made this choice.

Today.

Today marks the first day of my last week of nursing school! What a relief. Little did I know when I started 16 months ago that I'd be walking across the stage at graduation with a baby bump. But God's timing is perfect, even if it doesn't make the most sense to us, and I'm ecstatic for all that this next new season entails.

Shawn and I took a long walk around Radnor Lake yesterday, as we often do on weekends. It's a perfect chance to catch up without the distractions of home. Shawn prayed for us out loud for the last mile or so, and it set the tone for this week in such a beautiful way.

I'm finding that the more I think and dream about Little E and our family's future, the more I'm realizing that the future is now. I'm not 18 anymore... waiting for the next big thing in life. It's happening right before my eyes, whether I'm ready or not. I still have to pinch myself at times that I've been married for 3 and a half years now and have a baby on the way. It's hard for me to believe.

All that to say, Shawn and I... we have big dreams for our little family. We are determined that having a baby is not going to slow us down, though I know it will for a short time as we get adjusted to sleep schedules, nursing, and balancing it all. We have excellent examples before us of raising "flexible" children (I think that was my parents' favorite word when I was growing up), and we plan to raise Little E in the same way. Shawn was born and raised in Germany, and traveled all over Europe from a really young age with his parents who are in ministry. I was born here, and went on the road with my musician parents at 2 weeks old... for 3 weeks. And for days and weeks at a time after that. So we know it can be done! We really appreciate that our parents' lives didn't completely revolve around us and our activities and that they pursued what they felt called to, but we still felt so loved.

Ok... so these thoughts are rambly and all over the place... very reflective of my state of mind right now. But I hope you have a very happy week! I know I will! :)

A proud moment.

Ok, guys. The countdown is really on... just a little more than 2 weeks until graduation! Even less than that for my last exam, so I will have nearly a week to do something I want to do. On my list so far:
- Check out a library book that has nothing to do with nursing or small business
- Work on a couple craft tutorials I've had in my head
- Think baby names. So far we think we might have our favorites, but they change... so I've been calling the baby "Little E" because we think it'll start with an E, but we're still not sure.
- Sleep in!

So it's almost time to celebrate the end of school and I'm taking just about every opportunity I have to do it! Today I'm attending an academic achievement ceremony (I'm not exactly sure what that is), but here's my proud moment... I was quoted in the program! They asked some Dean's List students to tell them what academic achievement meant to them, and this was about the most profound thing I could come up with in the 5 minutes I had (on the bottom of the page). :)

I think my favorite quote has to be the one right above mine to the left. So sweet.

Happy Wednesday!

All I need.

Today is one for the books.
And if it's been quiet around here... well, here's why.
By the time I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I will have worked a total of 14 hours in two different hospitals.

It started with a clinical that I co-led (I know, what?!) for 8 hours, which began at 6:30am. I'm now in my 4-hour break, and I'll go back for what was supposed to be a 12 hour night shift in the NICU. But I asked for grace. Grace for it to only be 6 hours. And they were kind.

My Etsy shop has been so, so busy with new convos coming in at least 10 times a day. So busy that I've contemplated closing it down for the next month just to catch up (i.e. I have at least 80 purses to sew that have already been paid for... and that doesn't mix well with 14-hour days). I know it's stressful being a bride. I've been there. But to get several messages every day saying, "Just checking in to see how the bags are going!" stresses me out beyond belief. I'm a people pleaser through and through, and though I'm not even late delivering the bags, the fact that they could be disappointed in me makes me lose sleep.

I had a professor who once said, "Sometimes you just need to ask for a little grace." It stuck with me. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in need of a whole lot of grace. Grace from God, first of all, because I am so not perfect. I get frustrated and overwhelmed and impatient and discontent at this over-the-top busy time in my life where people are pulling at me from every single direction. I need grace from you, too. "You" being everyone around me who is in my life. Maybe that comes in the form of a little less pulling, and accepting when I have to say "no" one more time. Maybe it comes in the form of praying for me... I would appreciate that more than you know.

Here's the thing, too. Sometimes "grace" comes with perspective. I need the perspective that wow, I am healthy and able enough to work 14 hours in one day. I feel gifted as a future nurse and am able to minister to people in their deepest times of need. What a privilege. And on top of it, I have been given a gift to design and sew purses that people enjoy, so much that they are in high demand. And not to even mention that I have a husband and family whom "supportive" does not even begin to describe. They are amazing.

I think these things as I remember one of my classmates who was in a near-fatal accident yesterday, who was supposed to graduate in May right alongside me and the 97 others, and may never wake up. I think of his sweet wife. I think of the patients I spent the last 8 hours with whose bodies are riddled with cancer and disease. And I must think, "Thank you, God." In these overwhelming-beyond-what-I-can-take moments, gratitude is really all I need.

Dust.

Source

I'm at the end of what has been one of my roughest days as a nursing student. It was hard. So hard that I called Shawn at lunch to say, "I don't think I'm supposed to be a nurse." (I take it back now, don't worry.)

I'm working 12-hour shifts in a trauma unit this semester. It's a very high acuity unit and we get patients from all over the state who are basically experiencing the worst day of their entire lives. They were in car accidents (most of them), or had a terrible fall, or tried to kill themselves. No matter what the cause, it's a traumatic injury from which they may or may not recover.

And there I am in the middle of all of it, trying to deal with the devastation in a healthy way without just existing in a constant state of grief and despair.

This afternoon, I sat in a sterile conference room and watched the faces of a family as a doctor told them their daughter-in-law didn't make it and their son was seriously injured. I thought to myself, "This is not for me." My heart was in my throat and I felt on the verge of a panic attack because really... how do you not put yourself in their shoes? How do you not feel just an ounce of their pain?

There are nurses who can compartmentalize and "leave it at the hospital" and I'm just not there yet. I'm realizing that while my greatest strength is compassion, it also may be my greatest weakness. And it is the reason I will not be a trauma nurse (and you can quote me on that). :)

I've been meditating on Psalm 103 recently, my favorite psalm. The first part tells of how incredible our God is... all of his benefits. He forgives all our sins, heals all our diseases, redeems our life from the pit, and crowns us with love and compassion. It sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?

And then there's this little verse tucked into the middle of the psalm:
"For he knows how we are formed; he remembers that we are dust."

Is there anything more fragile, more weak, more inconsequential than dust? As I looked around at bed after bed of fragile life today, I was reminded of how weak and fleeting life on earth is. I remembered how fragile I am, having such a hard time dealing with the tragedies around me. But then I remembered that He knows how we are formed... because he formed us! He knows how he made me to have more compassion in my heart than I can handle... because he gave that to me! And when I compare myself (the dust) to the strong and mighty God that I know him to be, I am comforted.
I am calmed.
I am helped.

108 days.

Source

The semester has begun and, with it, all of the inevitable syllabus shock.
This semester is different, though, because it's the last one (at least for this degree).
This means a lot of decisions are involved...
Where should I apply for my first nursing job?
What hospital?
What area of practice (I'll be doing my final internship in OB, but I'm still open to other possibilities)?
What should I highlight on my résumé?
And on... and on... and on.

The cap and gown have been ordered.
The countdown to graduation has begun: 108 days to go!

I can't wait for this next season... it's going to be FULL of transition, and I love that.
We'll have to wait and see how much I'll be around this blog in the next 108 days.
With all of the NCLEX prep questions, résumé writing, and 12-hour shifts, it may not be much.
But wow. I am thankful.
I'm going to be a nurse.

Learning curve.

I'm (almost) officially 3/4ths of the way finished with nursing school. I was thinking about it today and thought, "I have really learned so much this year."I've learned so much more than how to start an IV or how to assess lung sounds or explain the side effects of a medication.

I've learned that parents of special needs children are angels. I don't understand how they do what they do every. single. day. I'm exhausted caring for their child for just 8 hours (bathing, feeding, helping to the bathroom, etc.). Their love and sacrifice for their child just astounds me. Maybe when I'm a mom someday I'll understand it a little more.

I've learned that sometimes I need little rewards to get me through a tough week. My favorite way to spend a Friday afternoon is sitting in my car, listening to NPR, and chowing down some Chipotle. Luxurious.

I've learned that there are so many ways to procrastinate. Like cleaning your whole house. Then taking pictures cleaning the baseboards. Then posting a blog about it.

I've learned that washing your hands really works. I wash or gel my hands at least every 10 minutes in the hospital it seems, and shower as soon as I get home, and I have not gotten sick one time since being in nursing school. Eating healthy and getting sleep helps, too. But I'm serious... wash your hands! All the time!

I've learned that I can't always wear my heart on my sleeve. Some people's situations that I've encountered make me so sad, and I somehow have to remove myself from their lives just enough to care for them without wallowing with them in their pain. It's a difficult balance and I don't have it down yet. At some point I just need to pray for them, ask Jesus to comfort them, and do the best I can.

I've learned that I have some pretty amazing friends and family to stick with me through my terrible communication skills at present... they don't always get calls or texts or time, but they still love me. Thanks, guys.

I've learned that Shawn is even more patient than I thought. He'll sit for hours quizzing me on notes that make absolutely no sense to him. And he forgives me when I tell him a really graphic story right before dinner time that makes just about everything unappetizing. Crazy love... that's what he has for me. (That's what I have for him, too.)

I've learned that nursing is so far beyond a job. It's a ministry and a calling and it's one of the best decisions I ever made.

3 more weeks.

+

As you read this, I have 3 more full weeks of school and this semester is done.
Over.
Finished.

Can you tell I'm excited?!

That means that I have one. more. semester. until I'm a nurse! A real live scrubs-wearing, stethoscope-using, chart-toting nurse. I kind of can't believe it. And at the same time, it's been one of the hardest things I've ever, ever done... this cramming a Bachelor's degree into 16 months. Yikes. It's not for the faint hearted (or weak stomach), but it's been worth every hour of sleep lost, every test I've crammed for, every blood pressure I've taken and shot I've given. (And for those who have heard my many crazy nursing stories, there have been other things I've seen and touched that just won't make it to blogland. Sorry.)

I still can't believe the privilege it is to walk into someone's hospital room, stand by their bed, and become part of their story in that instant, in the most vulnerable place in their life.

Trust me, it doesn't always feel like a holy moment.
Sometimes, I feel panicked, uncomfortable.
Like last week, when I stood by the bedside of a mentally challenged five year old boy who could not speak and wore a diaper. I had no idea in the world how to approach him, communicate with him, comfort him when I'm sure I scared the heck out of him wearing a mask and a gown and gloves and coming at him with a blood pressure cuff.

But it's in those moments that I have to pray, "Lord, take over. I am so worthless here." I feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer. But then I remember I have Him, and that's more than enough. I can offer the Healer, the Comforter, the Savior through my words, through the silences, through the love in my eyes.

I felt just like a nurse today.

And just like a patient... at the same time. 

+

This morning while I was in the kitchen, I bent down to grab something and stood up really fast, right into the corner of an open cabinet. I hit my head so hard that my the top of my head started bleeding and the pain immediately made me nauseous. I was seeing stars when I crawled over to the freezer and grabbed some ice to put on top of my throbbing head.

And as I sat there, I transformed from being a patient to being a nurse.

I thought to myself,
"What's your name?"
"When is your date of birth?"
"What day is it today?"
"Who is the President of the United States?"
"Ok, now count backwards from 100 by 7s."

I made sure my strength was equal in both hands and both feet, and then I grabbed my penlight and crawled into the bathroom to check my pupil dilation and reflexes in the mirror. Aaaand I determined that I would be just fine (and laughed a little at the thought of crawling to the bathroom with ice on my head).

I'm sure I was overreacting, but when you spend day in and day out seeing the worst possible scenario of things, you can't help but be cautious (i.e. a patient I saw this week had gone septic and almost died after eating a cupcake that had E. coli... crazy, right?).

And hey, it's pretty handy information to know! I now understand why people say, "Once a nurse, always a nurse."

More comfort food.

It's a common theme these days: 
Have a long day at the hospital = come home and indulge in comfort food. You've seen it before.

I'm in my pediatrics rotation right now and it's one of the rotations I've really been dreading, to be honest. I can say my first day was probably better than my expectations (especially when the little guy I was caring for climbed onto my lap and wouldn't let go for the entire shift), but it was still pretty sad seeing kids so pitiful and sick. Unless God does something miraculous in my heart (and He could, of course), I can safely say this isn't the area for me. I'm more and more amazed every day with nurses who are clearly called to this kind of work.

So grilled cheese it was... and pajamas before 7pm... and "Look Who's Talking" on TV.
Pretty perfect, I'd say.

Looking at the future.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. 

“They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

I love that when you entrust your life to the hands of God, you really have no idea where He's going to take you. It's the best kind of adventure.

So here's my latest surprise: I really love obstetrical nursing.

Why so surprising? OB nursing was quite literally the last type of nursing I ever saw myself doing. My friend Erica reminded me today that she had suggested it at one point and I said something to the effect of, "OB nursing seems too easy... the patients aren't really sick. I want to work in trauma where I'm really needed."

(Eating my words right now.) :)

I remember our pastor Jamie said a while back that God's will is not a tightrope... it's a wide open field. We should run until we hit a fence. I love that picture because I've hit some fences so far in the nursing world, but it's really for the best. I want some places that I can check off and say, "Nope, I don't think that's for me" so I can hone in on where I am supposed to be. I've experienced community health nursing, school nursing, gerontological nursing, a cardiac floor, general med-surg nursing... and none of it excites me and enthralls me the way OB does.

I found that I look forward to studying women's health and it comes pretty naturally to me.
I found that I don't come home from clinicals completely exhausted, and wouldn't mind staying even longer.
I found that the emergency C-section I witnessed a couple weeks ago from about 3 feet away was one of the bloodiest and scariest things I've ever witnessed... but when they pulled out a tiny 2-lb. baby and started singing, "Happy Birthday" to her, I wanted to rejoice. The moment was so sacred, holy, and beautiful.
I found the documentary "The Business of Being Born" completely fascinating. It stirred up something inside of me that I didn't even know was there... a passion for what birth was created to look like. It's a very graphic documentary, so I won't officially endorse it (especially to my young readers), but if you're interested in natural birth, I'd recommend it (not while you're eating, though). :)
I found that when I had the chance today in class to find a fetal heart tone and found it on the first try, it felt magical.

These feelings are all so new and surprising - and who knows that He won't change directions before May when I really have to decide - but I'm excited to see where He continues to lead.

Today, I...

spent the morning at an elementary school, shadowing a school nurse. I can definitely say being a school nurse is not my calling, but I was inspired by the woman I shadowed who was perfect for that role.  (P.S. - I wish I'd known as a 3rd grader how obvious it was to the school nurse if I was faking or not. Let me say... it's obvious.) :)

helped with eye exams for, oh, 60 Kindergarteners who were about the cutest things ever. I loved some of their super cute names, too: Trotter, Blaze, Eloise, Ina, Nelson.

ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner with Shawn. Rare and wonderful.

ran intervals around a field with Shawn, reminding me of my cross country days. My legs feel like jelly in the best way.

felt really overwhelmed with all that's on my to-do list. I feel like I'm getting through it, then I remember that one other thing I need to do. I'm not perfect and put way too much pressure on myself sometimes (lots of times).

sewed 9 purses.

got a text from my Dad who just landed in the USA from Cuba. Always a good feeling.

did some planning for our next sewing night! It's October 15th (mark your calendars!). I'll fill you in soon!

opened the windows to let the fall breeze in.

It's been a good, full day. 

What about yours? 

Finding balance.

+

If you hadn't heard, I'm in nursing school in my third of four semesters, which is so hard to believe! (Wasn't I just starting?) I love nursing school, even when it has meant lots of late nights studying and some very stretching clinical experiences. I think I'll look back and see that these four semesters have been one of the best decisions I ever made. This semester I'm in OB, pediatrics, community health, and aging adult all at once, so I'm getting a pretty good picture of the whole life span. It's so beautiful and mysterious how God has created our bodies.

A theme that keeps coming up over the last few weeks is that I feel very open to alternative/natural/holistic medicine. When I went through my Celiac health crisis a few years ago, it was a natural doctor who finally diagnosed me correctly after 5 different internists had diagnosed me with a variety of other things... pregnancy (twice), diabetes, thyroid problems. So since that time, I've been much more open minded and even passionate about natural remedies, diet changes, and a holistic look at the body. We juice vegetables, we take elderberry syrup in the winter, we make homemade deodorant, we eat gluten and dairy free, and more. It's what has worked so well for us and has truly given me back my health.

While in nursing school - as I've been working in the thick of modern, Western medicine - I've seen some things that are unsettling... 

A triple bypass patient ordering a burger and fries for his first meal out of surgery (while the nurse holds the menu and makes the phone call).

A pregnant woman receiving an epidural at only 3cm dilated and no painful contractions yet (thereby immobilizing her for the duration of her labor), because she hasn't been told any differently.

Vaccines and hormonal birth control being pushed pretty hard.

Surgeries (like hysterectomies) that seem more convenient than needed. Maybe it's just me, but taking a whole organ out of your body shouldn't really be a first option if there are other things that can be done.

But there are also things I think Western medicine does really well. 

If I needed a cutting-edge brain surgery, I know I would be in the very best hands here in America.

If I was in a serious car accident and needed to be life flighted, or had a high-risk pregnancy, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

So I want to be balanced about it all. I know Western medicine isn't perfect, and I know the alternatives aren't perfect either. I know that pharmaceutical companies have too much of a say in how patients are treated because they have the most money. But I know that many alternative practices are not researched well and ride on tradition (for lack of money). 

So there it is. I'm thinking out loud about some things I've seen and felt with no clear answers as to what's next. As last semester is my very last semester in school, I have to decide what I want to do for my practicum which will possibly lead me to my first job as a nurse. I've gone back and forth between ER/trauma, OB (midwifery is appealing), community health, and I'm still not sure. I'm praying for wisdom and that the Lord would lead me to exactly where I am supposed to be. I know He will.

Any nurses out there gone through these thought processes? I'd love to hear! 

This week.

Does anyone out there have a recurring dream?

Mine is this:
I find myself sitting behind a desk in math class, realizing I haven't attended the class for the entire semester. We're having a test that day - a test that covers all the things I've missed all semester and have no clue how to figure out.
I start to panic.
And then I wake up.

I'm sure it's a stress dream, because I usually have them during the busiest times in my real life.

Here's the thing: I've had that same feeling in the pit of my stomach all week long. I feel unprepared. Like I'm missing something and I can never quite catch up. I'm sure I can chalk it up to "syllabus shock" or the fact that two of my classes are online and have sporadic due dates popping up all the time or even the fact that I still have over 100 purses to make for brides who are waiting.

Yikes.

So that's where I've been this week.
Trying to just keep my head above water.
Trusting that when the Lord says that he will take hold of my right hand and he will help me (Isaiah 41:14), he really means it.

Not so different.

I started school on Tuesday, and I'll just be honest: it's been brutal. The thought has crossed my mind more than once: "I think I should just quit." It started with a chaotic orientation where we left with more questions than answers, and still not knowing my complete schedule is pretty frustrating. They weren't kidding when they said this would be our most demanding semester, but somehow I didn't really think that meant clinicals every Friday night. So I'm realizing there are some things I need to cut out of my life temporarily in order to stay sane.

Yesterday was very interesting. We had a long morning orientation for my community health class, then we headed out in pairs to meet our assigned refugee family who we'll be visiting for the next six weeks. It all sounded right up my alley. I love this kind of thing. The married couple assigned to me are just 18 and 19 years old from Bhutan and moved here a few weeks ago from a refugee camp where they've spent most of their lives. As I read about them in their social work chart, I just kept thinking, "I can't even imagine." And I also kept reading, "No English" which happened to be underlined several times. Uh oh.

So we arrived and I knocked on their door. A little man (maybe five feet?) opened the door and just looked at me with a blank stare as I introduced myself.

"English?" I asked.

Blank stare.
Then just as suddenly as he'd opened the door, he bolted past us, walking fast and purposefully outside.

"Where is he going?!" we asked each other.
We stood there very confused.
A few minutes later, he returned with a broad smile across his face, and his grown son walking behind him. The son seemed to understand a little more than his father, but it was hard to tell. We stood in the doorway pantomiming awkwardly, not sure how to explain that we'd be back next week.

So this story doesn't really have a point, except to say that I'm sure he felt a little like I've been feeling the last couple days as I begin this semester: confused, overwhelmed, like someone is speaking a foreign language to me.

But probably my favorite part of the visit was what I saw when his apartment door was standing wide open. We looked inside out of curiosity and saw a couple couches, a small kitchen table, a Chinese-style lantern hanging from the fan, and... wait for it... a life-size Justin Bieber poster. I'm not sure what to make of that, except that maybe we're not as different as we think.

They're Hindu. I'm Christian.
They speak Nepali and Bhutanese. I speak English.
They are 5 feet tall. I am 5'5".
They like Justin Bieber. I like Justin Bieber.

Do I show up next week with "Bieber fever" shirts?! :)

Processing.

It's not often you can say, "I spent my morning in mental health court."
But that's exactly where I found myself the other day.
For nursing school, we have a clinical rotation in a mental health facility - and I'm in the thick of it right now. So when the patient I was talking with said she had court later, I made sure I found a way to sneak onto the van to take me there, too. (I didn't really sneak... but I really, really wanted to go).

So there I sat, in the back row of the court room, just trying to take it all in. I watched as doctor after doctor testified about patient after patient: discussing their mental illness, why they were admitted in the first place,  how they were treating the patient, and how much longer he should stay in an inpatient setting.

And then I watched as patient after patient argued their cases (if they were able) and pleaded to be let out sooner.

It all felt so helpless, watching them walk in with so much hope and leave with their heads hung and tears in their eyes. I'm not even sure how to process it all except to pray, "Come, Lord Jesus. Come."
Only He is able to take this kind of pain, hopelessness, and helplessness and somehow redeem it all for His glory.

On a much lighter note, I've had so much fun with the schizophrenic and manic patients. (Maybe that means I've been in the psych hospital for too long?) They are incredibly comedic, and sometimes they realize it and other times they don't. Today some of us students got an impromptu dance-a-thon, a special rendition of "Amazing Grace" with harmony and all, and a lot of laughs. Thank the Lord for these special people who brighten my day. I'm not sure how you could be a psychiatric nurse without little breaks from these sweet people. :)

Gardens and friends.

I have a nurse-friend. Her name is Cherry.
She's been a hospice nurse for as long as I've known her (and a lot longer than that), and until I went to nursing school, she taught me everything I know about nursing. She is such a perfect fit for her job - a job that takes just the right person, as you can imagine.
She gave me my first blood pressure cuff on a mission trip to Mexico and taught me how to use it.
She even let me shadow her for a few days while I was in high school and let me put in a catheter (remember that, Cherry?!). She cheered me on when I started out as a nursing major in 2004, but then the Lord took me on a different adventure for a while. It was one I have never regretted because it led to meeting Shawn, but I think Cherry always knew that I was cut out to be a nurse.

All that to say, Cherry is the first one I call when I have a great nursing story. They're abundant, you know. I have seen things this summer that I never even knew existed. I know I can pick up the phone and say, "You'll never guess what I saw..." and she'll understand. Because she's probably seen it too. And then she'll say, "Well, you won't believe this..." and we go back and forth with story after story. I'm so thankful for her - for her inspiring example as the most compassionate nurse I know - and also how quick she is to laugh. Sometimes, it seems, you either have to laugh or cry.

So you're probably wondering what all of this has to do with vegetables (like the picture above)? Nothing, actually. I just happened to be talking to her while I picked these out of the garden to go along with dinner tonight. And then I decided to show them off. They're not much to look at - yet - but I have a feeling it's only a matter of days until our garden is producing more than we can even handle. Hooray for summer!

Pasta and peas.

Today was... interesting.
It started with a cup of very strong coffee at 4:45am, and is ending soon (once I finish my paperwork for tomorrow's clinical) with this yummy meal. I don't know why I was craving pasta and peas, but it just sounded like comfort.

Without divulging too much, my 11 hours at the hospital was challenging. In a good way, yes. I always learn so much from my patients, and this patient was no exception. He was exceptionally interested in teaching me about every aspect of his care, which was both exhausting and rewarding. I learned where my threshold lies, as I ended up in a cold sweat on the floor at one point. That makes it sound worse than it was, but let me just say: wound care is not my calling. My teacher was calm and comforting, and she gave me water and had me put my head between my knees. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt like a failure. A wimp. But thinking about it now, I think anyone in my situation might have reacted the same way.

Right now, my parents are on their way over to our house to spend a few days while they get their new house ready to be lived in. It'll be a fun, cozy time with all four of us under one roof, plus boxes and boxes of their things all over the place. It feels a little surreal having them stay with us instead of the other way around. I'm glad we can help.

All in all, it was a good day.
A very   s t r e t c h i n g   day, to say the least.
And for that I am thankful.

More clinicals.

Yesterday was my first full day of clinicals in this new semester. I'm at a new-to-me hospital this time, in a cardiac unit, where most of our patients have recently undergone heart surgeries.

Last semester, we all felt like we were just thrown head first into being nurses - and we were - but our tasks were mostly care tech jobs: bathing, walking, occasionally giving meds with our instructor, and reporting to the nurse if we noticed anything alarming (and then doing tons of paperwork on our patients for assignments). We were definitely hands on, but not so much in a nursing capacity. We weren't making any autonomous decisions, cleaning wounds, or consulting with physicians (thank goodness!). We were just getting used to being in the hospital, developing rapport with our patients, and learning standard protocol.

This semester, we're already feeling a lot more like real nurses. We give medications (including shots), adjust oxygen levels, work with IVs, check blood glucose, and the list goes on and on. Basically, we're our patient's primary provider during our shift, though the nurse is still responsible. It's been a giant step up, but I'm loving it! Yesterday was exhausting as there is literally no place to sit down on the unit. I was nervous about having the endurance to be able work from 6:30am to 2:30pm straight, with the sensory overload of a new hospital. But when it was over, it almost felt like it had just begun (almost).

I'm learning so quickly the difference between a nurse who just does her job and a nurse who cares. It probably sounds cliché, but there is just such a huge chasm between the two (and I see both every day). I'm so motivated to be the latter: to ask questions instead of making assumptions, to treat the patient as a hurting person and not just a bunch of lab values, and to smile. A genuine smile goes such a long way in a hospital, and sometimes you go a really long time without seeing one.

Last night when I got home from my painting job, I told Shawn that I couldn't stop thinking about my patient: that he was still in the hospital and probably alone and hurting while I just got on with my life. I felt so sad for him. It's going to be an adjustment in how much compassion and empathy I can feel and where I need to draw the line, tell myself, "I did the very best I could to take care of him" and lay it down. Sometimes the reality of thousands of patients is so overwhelming to me. It's just so evident to me of how truly broken our world is, and how truly in need of  Savior we are. Praise God that there will be no such thing as a hospital in Heaven! No need, right?

PS - This whole post feels very vague, and I wish I could share stories (because I think you would be fascinated by them as I was), but I'm always super nervous about violating the patients' right to privacy. Someday, when I get to sit over coffee with each of you (ha!), I'll get to tell you the stories and you'll shake your head and say, "That really happened?!" and I'll just nod and say, "Yep. And I got to be there." I feel so very lucky.